Please don’t f*** with me; I’m healing my mind, right now! Whoever says that? Some may express the conflicted observation, “Sorry, I’m just not in my right mind today.” So, which mind are they talking about? More commonly, we might hear the revelation, “OMG, I think I’m losing my mind.” Which raises the question, is our mind something that can be separated from who we really are? Subtly, these self-inquiries suggest a mindful awareness that extends beyond our conscious thinking mind. Perhaps our true Self is not the chaotic mind filled with painful regrets from our past or the anxious, fearful thoughts of not being enough to be successful or survive in the future. What if, instead, our true Self lies beyond the conscious mind, as the unmanifested, soulful silence of pure awareness—a never-changing, ever-present witness of what is happening now? What if our true Self is not the hard-wired body-mind self-ego, which constantly thinks of itself as oddly unique, perpetuating the duality of its separation from everything else —the cause of all human suffering? Perhaps, instead, our true Self-awareness is the ineffable, peaceful, blissful, unifying energy source we view as creation, in moments of breathtaking natural beauty, raw, selfless acts of courage, or when we witness the miraculous birth of our child. If that were true, would it not be a healing experience to feel perfectly complete, knowing that Life doesn’t happen to us as lonely, separate, temporary entities, but rather through us, as a unified, ever-present, eternal witness to our connection with everything in this temporary existence of the universe we perceive?

Through grace, I came to understand the purpose of my existence after I hit bottom in my alcohol addiction. When my mind shut down from its mental suffering, and I was unable to choose between the temporary pleasure of using my drug of choice to escape the suffering from my past and the unavoidable agony of being addicted to using the same drug to repeat a different type of suffering, that my ego identifies with now. Hitting bottom was a graceful opportunity, in disguise, to awaken: to know that, in addition to alcohol, my self-ego is addicted to thinking, constantly repeating my hard-wired past, struggling with the desire to find a truthful understanding of my imagined mental suffering. Now, craving a material addiction, something outside of my body-mind, to help me escape the pain of never-ending memories within, by repeating a new suffering in addiction to something from without.

Therein lies the constant suffering of duality, the never-ending choice of our conscious human existence: as Shakespeare postulates, “To be, or not to be [the body-mind], That is the question.” Does our body-mind exist simply for the sole experience of surviving the temporary illusion of this material world? Primarily, to outlast our manifested environment, then to outlive our inherited physical and mental human history, and finally, to seamlessly blend into our social community and navigate its cultural morality. “To suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune:” to survive, despite the fortunate and unfortunate destinies to which we are borne, the unearned blessings and burdens thrust upon our innocence, and the cultural life-rules and social governance, we must navigate to achieve our short-lived, temporary lifestyle. “That is the question:” Is that even a question that anyone in their right mind would knowingly choose to answer? The ultimate, inglorious question is not whether to be or not, it is, “how and why the f*** am I here” to begin with?

By the grace of my Higher Power, I received an opportunity to address the ultimate question of, “Why am I here?”—albeit through suffering in addictions. It turns out that I am here to remember the truth: by quieting my mind to heal the mental suffering from my human past, and opening my heart, I can access the door of consciousness, to look beyond and honestly know that “I am” the ineffable, eternal, boundless energy of spiritual awareness. I am here to look within my body-mind, to see the Light of eternal Awareness beyond, and stay soberly aware of the temporary nature of my manifested self-ego. Once the mind is quiet and the heart is open enough to shine the Light of Awareness onto the world, I begin my journey of growing the Light that can never be extinguished. That Light is the eternal energy source of Love that manifests as the constant creation of Life, which is witnessed by my spiritual Awareness (my soul), to experience Love for my imperfect self-ego, so that I can share Love with others in this temporary material existence. Each of us has come into existence for the experience of remembering the truth: our true Self is not the temporary, separate body-mind self-ego constantly looking for Love; instead, when the mind is quieted (healing) and our temporary attachment with the body-mind is understood, the self-ego disappears, and all that remains is the vibrational energy of Love flowing through us—that we can only transform, but never possess. We are not the temporary body-mind; we are eternal loving awareness! When the mind heals, it disappears, and all that remains is the Love we are all here to share!

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VAB  09-28-25

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