Recently, I contemplated some community shares concerning acceptance following a recent Alumni meeting, and, as a new resident in Recovery, before I had any sense of meditative conscious awareness, I struggled to understand the meaning of acceptance in the Serenity Prayer. When I recited the prayer, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change:” I felt helpless, like, “OK, God—or whatever—I give up; I’ve reached my bottom in addiction, and I got nothing; so, I will allow Life to do whatever the hell it wants with me if it keeps me sober. If I can’t change it, I guess I must accept my addiction and move on—carrying that burden of constantly wondering: am I cured?” 

As simple as it sounded, my understanding of acceptance as nothing more than “letting go” and allowing my addiction to exist as a constant shadow with no ability to change or remove it was troubling. We all know it is not that easy; there is much more involved in living with addiction than simply ignoring the intense anxiety of our cravings. At the time, I could only accept that AA offered the Serenity Prayer, a program and a community with a significant success story, as something that might work when I had nothing. I didn’t understand that allowing things outside of me to remain while ignoring them only addressed the external dimension of acceptance, which I had no control over. If that’s the case, acceptance would enslave me, relying on techniques, gurus, hopes, and prayers to keep me socially sober but doing nothing to heal my internal addictive tendencies, which is the cause of suffering in sobriety.

After eight-plus years of searching, studying, and practicing sobriety, I have grown to realize a proactive acceptance response is available internally when I quiet my mind and look within to uncover the cause and effect of my mental suffering. I can dissolve my cravings to escape or avoid the painful memories (unfinished experiences) from the past, with the wisdom of understanding that I can bring healing to them now, with non-judgmental, Self-loving kindness in the ever-present moment.

In other words, acceptance is more than allowing past experiences and emotions to remain in judgment, ignored, or buried in resentment to be relived whenever triggered. Instead, acceptance includes the proactive responses of investigating, understanding, and sometimes resolving the disappointment, pain, and confusion associated with all the harmful energy levels of my limited (self-ego) mind. The shame, guilt, apathy, grief, desire, anger, and pride that arise from my unfinished experiences—what the world that I helped create has done to cover up my original innocence, which lies below the open mental wounds and physical scars I have collected. I can heal my past now that I understand the cause and effect of my suffering, which I didn’t understand then. With proactive acceptance, I am not just “letting go” of the past, allowing it to haunt me whenever it gets triggered. I am dissolving those painful memories with non-judgmental understanding, healing the still open wounds, turning them into scars that no longer cause me suffering—now.

During these contemplations of acceptance with true Self-awareness, an analogy surfaced: I imagined walking down a hallway in this new House of Recovery that I have been building to shelter from my addictions, and as I passed a closed door, I stopped and opened it. Looking around the room, I noticed a table with half a dozen chairs arranged around it, and as I focused my attention, I was shocked to see five individuals seated in them. To my horror, each person was someone from my past with whom I had disagreed, despised, hurt, or who had hurt me. Immediately, my self-ego started having flashbacks, reliving the painful memories, weighing whether to go into fight-or-flight survival mode, thinking: what do I do now?

Based on my original concept of acceptance as simply “letting go,” my initial reaction to this nightmare analogy would be to close the door, avoid the dreadful scenario, and ignore the shadow of suffering in the background. Thinking only, “OK, fine, I will accept that those difficult relationships will remain in that room, but I will just wrap “crime scene” tape across the door, never open that door, and avoid that room at all cost. The trouble with only “letting go” of the past in that room would turn my House of Recovery into a house possessed that will never stop haunting me.

But now, with my new understanding of proactive acceptance, I have the strength of true Self-awareness to offer a proactive response, to enter that room, sit down in the empty chair at the table, and announce: “No one is leaving this room until we understand both sides of our disagreements, resentments, and the damage down to each of us; So, we can find common ground, agree to disagree, or finally part ways to heal our wounds now, without carrying the burden of resentment any further.

In summary, I feel a greater sense of responsibility when I use the word acceptance. I no longer flippantly say I’m just “letting go” of those painful memories so I can move on because it doesn’t matter anymore. Now, with insight, I understand that my positive energy (courage, willingness, reason, Love, joy, peace) must be directed toward addressing the past and completing those unfinished memories, which allows me to resolve my anxieties and live unencumbered by mental suffering —Now and from now on.

Now, when I recite the serenity prayer, I feel empowered: Higher Power (true Self-awareness), grant me the serenity (meditative peace of mind) to proactively accept my past; the courage (to step into each moment as required with the selfless right actions) to heal my unfinished memories; and the wisdom (understanding the true nature of Life) to know the difference: the reality that whatever is arising from my past is temporary, and if I stay aware, I can dissolve it—right now!

Finally, proactive acceptance brings freedom (healing) by completing unfinished memories; that is the only true way to “let go” of the past!

VAB 05-04-26

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