The mind will merge only by Self-inquiry: “Who am I?” The thought “Who am I?” will destroy all other thoughts and finally kill itself also. If other thoughts arise, without trying to complete them, one must inquire to whom did this thought arise. What does it matter how many thoughts arise? As each thought arises one must be watchful and ask to whom is this thought occurring. The answer will be “to me”. If you inquire, “Who am I?” the mind will return to its Source (or where it originated). The thought which arose will also submerge. As you practice like this more and more, the power of the mind to remain at its Source is increased. — Sri Ramana Maharshi

Each of us, whether we realized it or not, has experienced a spiritual awakening; that’s how we ended up here in Recovery. That awakening happened when we had to reach out to others for help. When we had to admit we were suffering and that our ego didn’t have the power to save itself. We had to reconnect with other people to find the strength to stop using our drug of choice and get sober. We needed to wake up to stay aware of what our mind is doing; what it’s thinking, what it’s craving: the lies it’s telling itself about what its body needs to feel better, or normal, and what the mind—itself—needs to stop craving for what it thinks it needs to stop thinking about craving. We had to reconnect with other like-minded people to learn together how to stop the insanity of our addictions: how to quiet our minds, so we could stop thinking and open our hearts to start feeling again. To remember, or learn, what it feels like to be noticed, to be seen again, to share how we got here, to be understood again, to be accepted, and to feel Loved again, or maybe for the first time.

Little did I know; I started waking up to know the truth: “That I am,” when I first observed—in the Light of Awareness—how powerless my self-ego, the body-mind, was when I hit bottom in my addiction. That’s when I witnessed my Higher Power arise, giving me the strength to do something different—to seek help, to find others who would help me to get sober and remember my true Self—the reality “That I am.”

Here’s the important part, and please don’t forget this: that Higher Power that woke you up to seek help from others didn’t come from anyone or anything that exists outside of you, which is where your addictions come from; that Higher Power came from within you! If you remember nothing else from your time in Recovery, remember this: you got sober because you possess the Higher Power within you to stop using your drugs of choice, and that same power gave you the strength and guidance to seek out other people that would understand you and Love you enough to help you to stay aware of the truth, that only you have the strength and power within you to stay sober!

The problem is that many of us in Recovery will ignore the truth and quickly forget our glimpse at the Light of Awareness that we witnessed when we hit bottom or that we experienced during our detox and early Recovery. We will act as if we didn’t recognize our spiritual Source’s attempt to awaken our true Self understanding. But once you see the Light of Awareness, you can’t unsee it. That is why many of us keep coming back to Recovery if we relapse, because our divine, spiritual Source is relentless and keeps calling for us to awaken. To wake up and realize the truth that we are not this temporary self-ego mind, constantly repeating its past (memories), which is all it knows; we are not that image of our decaying body we see in the mirror; using our addictions to escape from feeling the pain and suffering of our past. We get lost in our thoughts, and time makes us forget, all too quickly, how good it felt to have a quiet mind and an open heart while being sober, to feel Loved in our community, and to learn about our Higher Power, to know “That I am,” finally. We get confused because our new sober way of thinking, our new mental wiring, has not taken root enough to get embedded into our brains yet, leaving our self-ego susceptible to being triggered by emotions from the past whenever they arise and start firing the old trauma wiring again, which can cause our addictions to relapse, worse than before.

The truth is, we miss many opportunities and numerous wake-up calls throughout our lives, until we are ready to see the Light of Awareness. Now, hitting bottom in our addictions may seem like a brutal wake-up call. Still, it is no more dramatic than the opportunity to awaken when we meet “the one,” our life partner, or when our hearts break, realizing we are not “their one.” We can have a spiritual awakening when our child is born, or when someone we love dies, or when we have our own near-death experience. We might have an awakening experience when we reach the peak of our first Rocky Mountain 14er, or fail miserably to achieve our Life’s dream of social success. Some might experience an awakening simply by watching a random sunrise or by reaching out to help someone worse off than themselves; selflessly adding joy to someone’s Life can open the door to true Self-realization.

As I mentioned earlier, many, if not most, of us will ignore the Light of Awareness we have experienced that brought us to Recovery—if we’re not ready. We might lose our focus and forget our divinity as soon as we walk out those doors, or when Life starts challenging us again. We will forget that staying sober is staying awake and aware that we are different now than when we came here for Recovery.

So, the question becomes, how am I going to stay awake when I leave this place? How am I going to stay sober, which means staying aware?

The answer is that I must remember that I need to see myself differently, to think differently by staying aware of the new sober wiring in my brain, and start living differently than I did before seeing the Light. I must remember—which is staying aware—that I had a spiritual awakening of my true Self-awareness when my Higher Power—within—took over. When I did something different by checking in for Recovery to detox, to get sober, and connect with others to learn ways to stay sober together. I must stay aware that my brain is hardwired with memories that cause addictive habits—that I cannot remove or change—but, if I can get the nonjudgmental help to face the trauma from my past, I can heal my wounds now with the loving-kindness of compassionate understanding, which can keep my addictions dormant. I must stay aware to avoid the people, places, and things from my past, or change anything in my Life now that triggers those memories and the addiction wiring in my head—to keep it from firing again. I must remember all the tools, activities, and resources I have found in Recovery that help me to stay in the present moment, aware of my thinking and connected to this community of unconditional Love that is helping me to stay sober.

Now, I know “That I am:” that my true Self is not my hardwired, egoic mind, imprinted with everything I have known and experienced from my past. My true Self is not this temporary body-mind or its wired addictions, which are triggered by emotions that arise from past neglect and traumas. I do know that my true Self is a conscious reflection of the spiritual Light of Awareness, from the Source that is everywhere, in everything, and, like each droplet of water in the sea, Love keeps us all connected in our ocean of Consciousness.

My purpose is to no longer ask the question “Who am I?”; rather, it is to know “That I am:” the ineffable, divine, infinite, eternal Source experiencing this temporary conscious existence. The only thing I need to remember is to stay aware of the truth, which comes from within!

VAB  06-10-26

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